Billingsley’s Bullets: Being ‘always right’ is wrong
In his book “Real Magic,” Dr. Wayne W. Dyer states, “Relinquish your need to be right. This is the single greatest cause of difficulties and deterioration in relationships — the need to make the other person wrong, or to make yourself right. To win the argument.”
• When you are obsessed with always being right, it means your ego has taken over your decision-making process. Other people’s needs or desires are not important to the egomaniacs. The idea that love begins when you get outside yourself is foreign to the ego addict.
• When you must always get your way or always win, you are not interested in mutual sharing of ideas or thoughts. You are interested in victory. You must get in the last word, and you will not give in until the last word belongs to you.
• Ego addicts believe they win when they get in the last word. How can you be a winner if the other person is hurt or angry or frustrated when the conversation is finished?
• No one enjoys being controlled or dominated. When one person dominates a relationship completely, the passive partner is frustrated and collects anger stamps until they get fed up with always giving in. Eventually they may give up emotionally and sexually.
• To always win with words does not create a relationship where hugs, kisses or intimacy prevails. When one person loses this identity, they also lose wherever joy is left in their love, and they may seek love elsewhere.
• The “I must win” person often brings that attitude into relationships outside the marriage. Their ego lives in other personal relationships. Most friendships do not last if arguments occur on a regular basis. Nobody enjoys losing all the time.
• The best friendships I have enjoyed, and continue to enjoy, are not laced with arguments or ongoing competition to win at any cost. Great friends are usually great listeners. Real friends are supportive, optimistic; and they inspire you. My friends make me feel worthy, and they are worthy of my admiration.
• It’s very important to remember that the other person’s opinion is as important as your opinion. Shut up and listen!
• The need to win also spills into the work situation. If you are regularly at odds with your boss, don’t be shocked when you never get a promotion. Your co-workers may applaud you when you compete with the boss or fight for the last word. They are happy to see you eliminate yourself for promotions they want.
• When you talk with a loved one, be patient and allow them their say. If you believe their opinion is important, you will eliminate a whole lot of arguments; and your love life will improve.
• The best relationships I have observed are relationships that encourage switching the role of teacher and pupil. These couples play both roles. Nobody is always the teacher. These friends practice patience and active listening. They also realize they are worthy of love and respect if the relationship is to be successful, filled with joy.
• Perhaps a fulfilling, happy relationship is no more complicated than applying the Golden Rule. Treat your partner as you want to be treated.
• Love is absolutely powerful and magical. Mutual love can defeat the ego, any day or night of the week. Being worthy means you deserve love and respect.
Bob Billingsley is an El Dorado Hills resident and bi-weekly columnist at the Mountain Democrat.