Billingsley’s Bullets: Marriage makes me laugh

I’ve recently been speaking to a couple of groups about “The Fun of Being Married.” While researching the subject, I ran across some funny comments regarding marriage, such as the following. Danny Archuleta provided the following “Men Are Just Happier People” quotes:

• “When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it’s only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.”

• “A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need but it’s on sale.”

• “A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap and a towel. The average number of items in the typical woman’s bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.”

• “A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.”

• “A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.”

• “A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, but she does.”

• “A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book and get the mail. A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.”

• “Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.”

• “Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams. A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.”

Dick Engerg’s book “Humorous Quotes for All Occasions” offers the following quotes:

• “No woman ever shot her husband while he was doing the dishes.” — Unknown

• “I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one’s wife happy. First, let her think she’s having her way, and second, let her have it.” — Lyndon Johnson

• “I can always tell what kind of a time I’m having at a party by the look on my wife’s face.” — John Bedrosian

• “You may marry the man of your dreams, ladies, but 14 years later you’re married to a couch that burps.” — Roseanne

• “My wife divorced me because of illness. She got sick of me.” — Unknown

• “Wives are people who feel they don’t dance enough.” — Groucho Marx

More quotes about marriage:

• “The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing and then marry him.” — Cher

• “It destroys one’s nerves to be amicable every day to the same human being.” — Benjamin Disraeli

• “It wasn’t exactly a divorce — I was traded.” — Tim Conway

• “I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.” — Zsa Zsa Gabor

Bob Billingsley is an El Dorado Hills resident and bi-weekly columnist at the Mountain Democrat.

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Posted by on May 14 2014.
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