Billingsley’s Bullets: Finding love in all the wrong places

By From page A5 | April 04, 2012

Bob Billingsley

The magazine “Mental floss” noted the following strange courtship ritual:

“The Apple of My Arm: Taking a bite out of this apple really is a sin. At dances in the 19th century, eligible Austrian girls would keep an apple slice crammed under their armpits. When the night ended, the girl would hand the slice to a gentleman who caught her eye. If the feeling was mutual, he would eat it.”

Talk about a tough first date! First you are required to eat the armpit apple slice. After you show your interest in the lady offering the apple, you then have to talk to her with your armpit-smelling breath. If both of you survive this ordeal, you probably deserve each other.

• I never thought about Twinkies entering the crime world. Not too long ago two suspects were arrested for a burglary at a local church. Among the items recovered from the couple’s vehicle were eight cases of Twinkies, which were reported stolen from a delivery cart at a local merchant.

I have read before that Twinkies have a shelf life of seven years. If these suspects receive a jail sentence, they can still enjoy the Twinkies if the sentence is less than seven years. Do they hold evidence for seven years?

• It’s time to start an appendicitis survivor club. There are lots of “survivor” clubs locally, but appendicitis survivors have been left out and have no support group. We appendicitis victims need emotional support, too. We have visible appendicitis scars that prevent us from joining a nudist club or visiting nudist colonies.

An ugly appendicitis scar has probably ruined some honeymoons and marriages. Our scar stays forever and cannot be removed with therapy or medication.

It’s not smart to mention that you have an appendix scar at a cocktail party or in church. People will move away from you and snicker when you are not looking.

An appendicitis support group would offer lively discussions on who has the longest scar. Participants could compare their scars. Awards could be presented for longest scar, most invisible scar, and most erotic scar. Instead of a symbol of shame, the scar would become a badge of honor.

The appendicitis support group’s motto could be “You show me yours and I’ll show you mine,” or “Scars need love, too.”

• Carlene Hosea of Placerville sent me a list of paraprosidokians. She looked up the definition of the word paraprosidokians, which is “figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected: frequently used in humorous situations.” Charlene noted that “Where there’s a will, I want to be in it” is a type of paraprosidokians. She also forwarded the following:

(Winston Churchill loved them)

1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
5. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
6. Evening news is where they begin with “Good Evening” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
7. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
8. Women will never be equal to man until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
9. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
10. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.”

Bob Billingsley


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